Birth of the Holy

     Foreword.

Recently I've been trying to do 'flash fiction'.

I don't really know what flash fiction is. But it seems they're meant to be short, evocative and concise stories.    

I clearly didn't get this with the following attempt. Nevertheless I enjoyed the attempt enough to stick on what's regarded by a healthy few as the best blog that still exists. Anyway: 

The Birth of the Holy

Holy Emperor Pope John XII sat in the Apostolic Palace draped in 960s ecclesiastical leisurewear, awaiting his delivery.

His Bishops had left for the lupanar and his holy court was left empty for the afternoon so he could oversee Cardinal Octavius as he assembled his new purchase. 

The pontiff had started to pick at a syphilitic ulcer when the cardinal spilled through the papal curtains, dropping wood which bonked off the floor.

The Holy See did not enjoy being seen without his mitre, so pulled it to his head, tearing it. That’s Syrian finery for you. 

“Have you not conscience to knock when entering the blessed chambers, Cardinal?” 

“The blessed chambers have only curtains your holiness.”

The cardinal was right.

“Silence!” the Pope commanded and the two holy men looked at each other ecclesiastically. 

After a minute, the cardinal broke the silence. “Most Holy Father, I have procured what you requested. Behold!” but the Cardinal said the word ‘behold’ too early, as he had only just started assembling. The only thing to behold was a man of the clergy trying to unearth which pegs fitted into which peg holes. Assembly was to take at least 12 minutes. 

The Archbishop of Rome (which is one of the Pope’s other titles) was 12 minutes into an open mouthed nap, when awoken by the sound of ecclesiastical hammering.

“Finished your holiness!” 

“Sublime work cardinal!” replied Pope John, though historical records show the Pope was easily impressed. 

“Thank you, Most Holy father. You are gracious and wise.”

As the Pope was ignoring the Cardinal’s servile flattery, he had started rubbing his hands together. “Tell me eminence, how does it work?” 

“Well Most Holy Father, sit on the left side of this wooden divider, and I shall sit on right. Then we draw these curtains to hide us both from view” the Cardinal explained.

Now, perched in close quarters, yet apart, the Pope’s excitement had turned to disappointment. “Eminence, how does this aid me in service to God or my flock? I was hoping to create a space where my sheep could come to me in good faith. A space where they could rid themselves of sin, pay penance to God and cleanse themselves in the waters of the one true Christ’s holy representative on earth” the Pope, energised by his favourite ecclesiastical words such as ‘sheep’ ‘faith’ ‘penance’ and ‘God’ stood up, as he felt a sermon coming on. 

As he did, he accidentally knocked open a small hatch, and the cardinal’s familiar musk of fortified wine filled the Pope’s booth. The cardinal’s less familiar naked body became visible through the hatch. “Ah.” said the Pope. 

And so it was, Pope John XII had collaborated with Cardinal Octavious in 960 to bring the world its first ever glorious hole. 

by (the editor) Dan.