THE BEST FILMS OF 2022 (AND SHITE ONES I RECOMMEND ANYWAY)
2022 is drawing to a well deserved close.
A lot of horror unfolded on our TVs this year. After two years of Pestilence, we finally got round to War. The year also gifted us with a very respectable helping of manageably fictional peril as well tho.
Here are some of the good and so-bad-it's-good movies to enjoy before we all tuck into Famine and Death. They're pretty much all horror because that's all I watch.
In no particular order.
THESE WERE GREAT
X
A cast of horny a-listers head to a cabin in the woods for a bit of sexually-charged horror fare. Cool setting, but the payoff doesn't match the build up. Still, it's one of the most stylish horror movies I've seen. A great straddling of the line between schlocky clichés and crafted filmic shit - and I love that. The Ari Asters and Robert Eggers of this world might be making some ground breaking stuff, but I'll always love tropey horror and it warms my heart to see it being kept alive by grungy directors like Ti West and James Wan. X has an awesome cast of likeable characters, a virtuosic command of tension and a brilliant sense of style. A period piece too, set in the 70s to the backdrop of the porno boom. It's got a really good soundtrack, with cool as hell licensed 70s music and some very haunting original stuff featuring the stirring vocal talent of the inimitable Chelsea Wolfe. Also never heard of Mia Goth but fucking hell. Never thought I'd love a final girl this side of the 80s but here we are. Speaking of which...
Pearl
Pearl fills in X's blind spots and fleshes out the main villain. It turns X's monster into something more menacing. Going to X cold, the villain might feel a little fangless despite Goth's performance. After seeing Pearl, she feels on parr with Jack Torrence or Norman Bates. She's terrifying in this film - turning in a range and performance that is at once charming and deeply unsettling. Goth's monologue towards the end is one of the most tense scenes this year. All the period and Wizard of Oz references are cool but Goth is the star of the show. She has a cowriting credit on this one and it's easy to see why. She must have a lot of passion for this character. I'd be interested to see what you might make of X after watching Pearl having never seen either before. Anyway, the Big Hog is done riding Mia Goth's dick.
Nope
Did Jordan Peele consolidate his horror icon status in 2022 with Nope? Yup! Is it Jordan Peele's best film yet? Also Yup! It's better than Get Out at delivering the spookys and better at being mysterious and symbolic without feeling as pompous as Us. Nope felt (at least to me) like a director hitting his stride and delivering one of the best movies of his career. It starts from an interesting place, with an unusual horror subject for modern audiences: UFOs. This creates an uncanny feel from the get go, which becomes more intense as the mystery unravels itself and expectations about what a UFO is and what it does are subverted. The movie knows what to show and crucially what to leave to the imagination for maximum disturbance and even though the ending veers a bit into cheesy waters, it all comes together in such a spectacular way that it's hard to mind. The themes of the movie aren't exactly subtle, but they're not distracting either, and raise legitimate questions while offering horrifying answers. Like all of Peele's work, it's seeks to create a parable, but interestingly does this using a Lovecraftian kind of narrative - two types of horror come together in a way they might not ordinarily: cosmic and social. Nope was an awesome ride and Peele's doing God's work in helping bring horror back to the fore. It could be my favourite horror this year were it not for Men.
Men
The Big Hog's favourite film of 2022 is Men. There's probably not a single creative soul who's not at least a bit jealous of Alex Garland's career and output. From writing international best-selling novels, to video games, to some of the most iconic and acclaimed action and horror movies of the last 30 years. He's had nothing but net his whole career and now he's gone into hyperdrive with his pretty much flawless run as a director. He's done Ex Machina, Annihilation, Devs and now Men. Men has a cosy British setting, conjuring classic Hammer House of Horror, but takes place in a town almost entirely populated by characters played by Rory Kinnear. And if that doesn't sound horrifying enough, it only gets crazier from there. I don't want to write too much about it because it's way better if you go in completely blind (I've probably already written too much, but nothing the trailer didn't spoil) - all I'll say is that the by the end I'd gotten everything I could ever want out of a horror movie: existential terror, disturbing social commentary, obscene gore, shock, and a sinister sense of humour. Like Nope it works on different levels and can be enjoyed by those looking for a basic horror flick, or something with a bit of depth to sink their teeth into. By the end I was grinning like an idiot.
Skinamarink
Men was probably the best movie this year, but scariest was Skinamarink. There were a fair few talking heads bobbling about it on TikTok - about how it was the scariest movie ever and I thought yeah we'll see about that, but it was actually quite terrifying. TikTok was right again. Skinamarink is a low budget Canadian movie employing the fear of the familiar or liminal horror as it's been coined (I think recently). By that I mean it scares you with things that are at once natural in your mind but slightly distorted. This could be a window disappearing in your house, or a corridor being double the length of what it usually is (think House of Leaves). Particularly horrifying for me as a fan of spicy junk food was at one point the toilet dematerialised. Could the trend in this kind of horror be influenced by two years of being locked in our homes? Skinamarink best uses liminal horror in its setting and atmosphere, with a 90s camcorder aesthetic and stars two kids in a normal house, surrounded by legos on the carpet and with only the glow of the TV for comfort. It conjures an intense level of nostalgia, evoking childhood sleepovers and the spooky unknowns that lurk in the darkness in a child's mind. It takes you right back there, making you revisit the horrors sitting in your subconscious that you were once sure had been overcome by the advent of your adult brain. Unlike Paranormal Activity, to which this movie owes a substantial debt (even though you're sure, from Skinamarink's arty presentation, that the filmmakers would deplore this comparison), Skinamarink moves at a glacial pace and doesn't show very much of anything. But as it slowly unravels, it keeps its boot on your neck, always suggesting the possibility of a jumpscare at any moment. All this culminates in a pretty exhausting affair and feels long despite it not being so. This is all forgivable because it feels intentional - not sure how the you'd achieve the same effect otherwise - but it's definitely not for everyone. For a budget of C$15,000 (substantially cheaper than even the Blair Witch) it's an incredible example of how far you can stretch things with just a bit of vision.
THESE WERE PRETTY GOOD
Terrifier 2
A much less terrifying film than Skinamarink was Terrifier 2 (Lord forgive these segues) and, like Skinamarink, its success has been founded on word of mouth (well... in conjunction with a spurious campaign from Bloody Disgusting). Being a gore connoisseur, this movie is bittersweet. It's a joy to see explosive gore and people being strangled by their own intestines etc. but the movie so yearns to show you all of it in such detail that, if you've seen a lot of gory movies, the fakeness becomes apparent/desensitising. A drive to show everything is this movie's main downfall. Clocking in at 2 hours and 18 minutes, it feels really long. There's definitely a better film on the editing room floor. Leading lady Lauren LaVera adds a lot of heart to an otherwise mean-spirited (in a good way) movie, and the supporting cast dutifully and capably fulfil their duties as slasher fodder (with some exceptions). Breakout character was Art the Clown and his pint-sized flunky. The most fun in the movie was the macabre mime performances and dream sequences. They were bizarrely unsettling but also genuinely funny somehow, like a mute Freddy Krueger, so I have to give it kudos for that. I don't know the lore of this character (didn't see Terrifier 1) and I understand this movie ties into a wider universe in some way, but it wasn't an obstacle to enjoyment. A problem with Art is his design. I understand he's an otherworldly/supernatural being of some kind, but where Pennywise's outfit made him seem creepily and supernaturally anachronistic, Art just looks like a bloke in a spooky clown costume.
I'd like to take this point to go off in a tangent on spooky clowns.
I'd be interested to get your perspective on this because I think it might just be the Big Hog. Spooky clowns are not scary. Clowns are scary. It was earnest clowns that scared the shit out of me as a kid. Not spooky clowns. Ever since Heath Ledger first put on those prosthetic scars and slapdash makeup, the clowns-as-horror trope seems to have been started on an unstoppable trajectory of lame 'spookiness' that detracts from the visceral terror of the normal clown. To me Ronald McDonald has maxed out his terror stats by default and I don't think adding yellow eyes or scars would do much to intensify that. Surely the whole reason clowns are creepy in the first place is that they look ambiguous, androgynous and unemotional. Please if you're reading this and considering using clowns in your horror property, try a not spooky clown.
Sorry, back to concluding the review of Terrifier 2
On a budget of $250,000 Terrifier 2 made $12.3 million. It looks like a real movie for the most part and uses tropes in a way that feels genuine and not pointless. Watch it if you enjoy Nightmare of Elm Street or IT, are interested in low-budget horror (that isn't found footage), or if you like your scares with an unhealthy dollop of heavy gore.
Prey
Predator is back! And in cowboy times! This is inherently awesome and I'm happy to say Prey delivers on this intriguing setting, as long as you keep in mind that it's a Predator film and Predator films are... Predator films. I love movies that are to be chosen by dartboard. How about the Predator fights (spin the wheel) 'Native Americans'! Maybe this approach could finally make a Predator series that works. In this movie the Predator fights... Nazis/Zombies/Eskimos/The British/The Church of Scientology. This movie is like the Revenant through a sickly layer of Hollywood gloss. The characters are likeable enough and the creature's design (Predator's most important selling epoint, let's not kid ourselves) is one of the best. There's tonnes of fun action and cool kills, making full use of Pred's inventory. Not much else to say really, it's an easy watch, good fun, awesome setting and works well but... it's a Predator film.
Smile
I can't think of another time I've been excited to see a bad movie only to be disappointed because it's actually pretty good. I was sure Smile would be vintage SO BAD IT'S GOOD, but imagine my disappointment on getting a great lead performance, inventive soundtrack, creative shots, cool editing and some of the best jumpscares this year. The unintentionally funny moments from the trailer were still there, and still funny, but they weren't as egregious as I'd hoped. Even the smiling wasn't hilarious across the board, and reached creepy territory on the faces of a few characters. Be warned though, its hella derivative, even for a genre built on tropes. Its influences are clearly: It Follows, The Ring and that other movie containing smiling from a couple years ago. If your main concern is originality, you're not finding it here. Also it goes down the 'exploration of trauma' path thematically which isn't too original for horror, but then again so does Men (Men was hogging all the themes this year). Also the cast were all really recognisable and I know that breaks some people's immersion. It all comes together in a good-if-generic-and-at-times-unintentionally-funny horror movie.
Hellraiser
2022 was a good year for exhuming old horror properties and giving them the same name as their initial version in order to confuse the Big Hog. One of these was Hellraiser, a horror franchise veering into nerdier territory than most 80s gorefests. Having only seen (and subsequently forgotten) the first one, I didn't have any expectations going into this. This time round was directed by the guy who also directed the Ritual. It's not as good as the Ritual, since I can largely remember what happened in that even though I saw it 6 years ago and watched the new Hellraiser about 2 months ago. But it has some pretty cool horror set pieces, visuals, costumes and creature designs. It also has pretty realistic, if-not-that-likeable, well-acted characters. I'd describe it as competent (if overlong) and a must-see for the Hellraiser fan community of which the Big Hog is not a part.
THESE WERE A BIT SHIT
Crimes of the Future
Speaking of confusing titles, Cronenberg was back this year with Crimes of the Future. This movie is completely unrelated to Crimes of the Future, a movie directed by Cronenberg in 1970. He must really like that title. In the world of 2022's Crimes of the Future, people get their kicks from performing unnecessary surgery for some reason. I don't remember what it all amounts to and I remember it being pretty long and complicated, but it's got a great cast doing all kinds of ooie gooie Cronenberg stuff nonetheless. All the trademark prosthetics are on display, but this one's more 'body' than 'horror' unfortunately.
Studio 666
What ever happened to bands playing fictionalised versions of themselves in movies? Seems like a lost art. In Studio 666, dad rockers Foo Fighters rent a haunted house to record a new album and all manner of spookiness ensues. Studio 666 exudes fun, and made the Big Hog's eyes light up with fan service (what other movie boasts cameos from Kerry King and Lionel Richie?). Anything music-related in the film is actually pretty good and the dramatised version of the Foos creative process is fairly interesting if that kind of thing appeals to you. Best moments were a hilarious non sequitur involving Lionel Richie and one of the Foos being chainsawed in half along with Whitney Cummings mid intercourse. Most of the jokes are awful, the acting is dreadful and the movie is way too long. Also the ending didn't make any sense at all. Also, though it's not the movie's fault, it's a bit sad to see Taylor Hawkins.
Halloween Ends
I was interested to see this. The first movie in the last trilogy of Halloweens had no right to be as good as it was. And its sequel might just be one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen. So where did that leave Halloween Ends? About midway between the two I reckon. This had an obvious advantage over the previous film, in that things actually happen. And the things that happen are a little unexpected. They went for a passing-of-the-torch type story - where a young Bruce Campbell-looking guy would take over Michael Myers' legacy. Kudos is due for an original here, but the film also seems to be somehow aware that passing the torch may be a little wrong for this franchise. Like in the universe of the film, does somebody want to take on the mantel of being an escaped lunatic. It didn't make that much sense if you think about it. But it was at least watchable.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This was hilarious. One could read this as a cynical plundering of an iconic title for a few easy coins, naming it the same as the vastly superior original and squeezing it out onto Netflix. But I do not hold such a drab worldview. This reboot/remake/reimagining is awful and quite fun. Lightning doesn't strike twice. You're not going to be able to recapture the magic that made the original a masterpiece, so why even bother trying? Instead we set Leatherface loose on a bunch of young do-gooders and gen zs to satisfyingly splattersome ends. A fun bad horror if ever there was one.
Scream
I almost forgot this one was this year. Like Hellraiser, this is a franchise I largely miss the point of. I understand it's a 'deconstruction of the horror genre' but I don't really connect with the need of that deconstruction. Scream serves up the premise of the original Scream, but with an updated frame of reference to the tropes of many modern horror (many of those tropes are included in the movies listed above). Er. Jack Quaid is in it and they're going to do another one next year. Er. Sorry I don't have anything to say about this one. It came out ages ago and I found it boring sorry. Also they named it the same as the original and I don't like that.
CONCLUDING REMARKS.
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