Big Hog's Blog

     Foreword . Recently I've been trying to do 'flash fiction'. I don't really know what flash fiction is. But it seems they're meant to be short, evocative and concise stories.      I clearly didn't get this with the following attempt. Nevertheless I enjoyed the attempt enough to stick on what's regarded by a healthy few as the best blog that still exists. Anyway:  The Birth of the Holy Holy Emperor Pope John XII sat in the Apostolic Palace draped in 960s ecclesiastical leisurewear, awaiting his delivery. His Bishops had left for the lupanar and his holy court was left empty for the afternoon so he could oversee Cardinal Octavius as he assembled his new purchase.  The pontiff had started to pick at a syphilitic ulcer when the cardinal spilled through the papal curtains, dropping wood which bonked off the floor. The Holy See did not enjoy being seen without his mitre, so pulled it to his head, tearing it. That’s Syrian finery for you.  “Have...

Can't afford Netflix, Disney+ or any of that other shit? You might as well get over it because there's loads of free movies on YouTube. And they're perfect if you don't care about sound or colour or editing or any of that superficial crap. And if you love the organ (like everybody does) you're sorted.  Last night I watched Nosferatu and I must say that it consolidated my 2023 New Year's Resolution to go to the opticians. There's a lot of reading involved. And it came out in 1922 which was 35 years and a world war before the invention of Helvetica so expect an eclectic mix of serifs, swashes and cursive to torment your pupils with. They also change the font up regularly, so when you get used to reading one style they pull the rug out from under you. This keeps you alert.  "Nosferatu is more relevant now than ever!"                                         ...

I'm 30 years old. My 20s couldn't have ended more recently but it's happened already: I'm an old fart. I can't blame BeReal: the herald of this revelation. It's just a vessel shedding light on one of life's inevitable truths. It's something I always believed would happen. But maybe not to me? Such a smug, naive delusion this was. I'm embarrassed I ever believed it.  The signs were there of course. "Rick 'n' Morty is so original and funny." Ok.  " You have you heard the new Billy Eilish? it's iconic." Holy fuckin' hell. Ok whatever floats your boat kid. "Oh fuck! I'm being cyberbullied!" Oh no. Sorry I didn't mean for that to sound that sarcastic.  Like every generation before me, I was excited about the youth. What will be their contribution to culture? How will they find new ways to stick it to the man? I was set to be stunned. And I was... ...stunned with disappointment.  I was ready to shameles...

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is good for one obvious reason: Nicholas Cage. Do you like Nicholas Cage? is a polarising question, with some think he's a hammy Hollywood hack who owes his career to nepotism and others that Cage one is of a few performance artists trying to elevate the art, seeing every role as an opportunity to do something fresh and memorable. But if you love Cage, you'll likely enjoy The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.  Unlike the D-grade buddy-crime film that flounders around him, Cage mesmerises in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. 'How hard can it be to play yourself?' is one of the many interesting questions the movie poses. Non-acting celebrities are made to do this regularly in cameo appearances, like Ed Sheeran, Paris Hilton, Simon Cowell etc. apart from a few hilarious exception s , most people do a serviceable job of playing themselves in front of a camera, from Dave Grohl to Michael Jordan. But this movie made me think o...

 Al Bowlly is the man who sings the song at the end of the Shining ( Midnight the Stars and You ).  Born at the turn of the 20th century, Bowlly had a lovely voice and also a lovely face (see below).  So I personally recommend the magic of Al Bowlly, however, if that crusty old music isn't for you I still recommend his Wikipedia page .  Man had a 'series of odd jobs in South Africa, including barber and jockey.' And that's just the first line! What a life that must've been. Jockeying as a side hustle to fund your music career. I had a job washing dishes at in a hotel to fund my attempt to enter the world of marketing. I'm hoping for Aaron Paul to play me in the movie but we'll see.  He also  shredded on guitar too because of course he did. I wont spoil the wiki for you but it sure has a wild ending.  That's it! (the editor) Dan.

This is a haiku What does your COVID vaccine  say about you?... dude:  AstraZeneca - You’re a sensual risk taker. You’re over 30 and lovin’ it #wotclot.   Pfizer - You’re too cool for easy transportation and get pretty faded, pretty quickly. You call all your anti-vax haters ‘Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer’. Johnson & Johnson - One dose of you is more than enough.    Novavax - Good with new people and particularly popular in the UK for less than obvious reasons (like Nando’s).    Moderna - Like Pfizer but you have a funnier name. You also like pregnant women. You love hijinks and hate goodbyes.    Sinovac - You make a bad first impression, but your second impression is nearly ok.    Sputnik V - You’re a true underdog. Everybody scoffs and laughs at you at the beginning but you soon prove them wrong. You’ve got nothing to do with space though, and this surprises people. (the editor) Dan.

Unless you were living under a Dwayne Johnson last year, you will have heard of the sad passing of one of Western Civilisation’s most beloved icons: DMX. DMX was born Earl Simmons on the 18th of December in 1970. The ‘D’ stood for ‘Dark’, the ‘M’ stood for ‘Man’ and the ‘X’ didn’t stand for anything. It was just ‘X’. A teacher, X would show the world how to ‘stop, drop, shut ‘em down, open up shop.’ A generous man, X’s inclination was always to ‘give it to ya’, but in the end he had no more of ‘it’ to give. He is survived by his 15 children. (the editor) Dan.