Big Hog's Blog

'What's that?'  'Nothing'.  But it wasn't nothing.  It had been a few weeks since a mysterious vortex appeared in my locker at work, and I was still trying to hide it while I figured our my next steps. What are you supposed to do when a vortex appears in your work locker? Tell work? That wouldn't work. They'd just contact the locker company. And I work for the locker company. So that won't work. They'd just contact me.  It wasn't a fire, so the fire brigade's out. What other kinds of brigades are there? An army brigade? There's no need to escalate this to the military. I've heard they're stretched anyway. And I can't call the police because I'm not a snitch.  It's hard to keep a mysterious vortex secret. Especially inside your locker in a busy office. I'm a pretty big enchilada at the locker company. People come to me with important questions containing long words like 'ineffectual', 'substandard...

Here's a scenario: Little Red Riding Hood encounters Eddie the Head from the Iron Maiden album covers. Eddie goes in for a kick. Though he's several meters away, his leg impossibly extends in Hood's direction, morphing into a chainsaw blade, roaring straight for her head, when she produces an uzi from her picnic basket and blows Eddie away.  Here's another scenario:  A cursed, but empty suit of samurai armour is hacking away at Dracula. He ducks and weaves out the way before grabbing the suit of armour and uses his powers to force the armour into material form: a beautiful woman, wearing nothing but a yukata. He bites down on her neck after transforming into a demonic entity. These scenarios are from the game Darkstalkers. The greatest fighter Capcom ever put out.  We shall never see it's like again.  (the editor) Dan

2022 is drawing to a well deserved close.  A lot of horror unfolded on our TVs this year. After two years of Pestilence, we finally got round to War. The year also gifted us with a very respectable helping of manageably fictional peril as well tho.  Here are some of the good and so-bad-it's-good movies to enjoy before we all tuck into Famine and Death. They're pretty much all horror because that's all I watch.  In no particular order.                                                                                                 THESE WERE GREAT      X A cast of horny a-listers head to a cabin in the woods for a bit of sexually-charged horror fare. Cool setting, but the pa...

In recent weeks, I've been up to my eyebags in flash fiction. I wrote another one that got rejected.  But another one I wrote after that was ok.  The one that was rejected, was rejected because it featured penis too heavily (a bit like Birth of the Holy). Anyway I tried a new one, and made the creative compromise of not featuring any dick and it turned out ok. So I guess the lesson is to give feedback a chance and sometimes working within creative limits can produce serviceable work.  You might not realise this (especially from reading this blog) but I'm a professional writer.  In a way, I'm in the privileged position of being paid to write these stories, so I should be open to feedback. Even if it means having to write something that (if you've read this blog before) doesn't feature my favoured motifs of cock and DMX.  Anyway, that acceptable story is one for another time.  Here's the one that got rejected: Our date is going well. She looks at me and we lo...

     Foreword . Recently I've been trying to do 'flash fiction'. I don't really know what flash fiction is. But it seems they're meant to be short, evocative and concise stories.      I clearly didn't get this with the following attempt. Nevertheless I enjoyed the attempt enough to stick on what's regarded by a healthy few as the best blog that still exists. Anyway:  The Birth of the Holy Holy Emperor Pope John XII sat in the Apostolic Palace draped in 960s ecclesiastical leisurewear, awaiting his delivery. His Bishops had left for the lupanar and his holy court was left empty for the afternoon so he could oversee Cardinal Octavius as he assembled his new purchase.  The pontiff had started to pick at a syphilitic ulcer when the cardinal spilled through the papal curtains, dropping wood which bonked off the floor. The Holy See did not enjoy being seen without his mitre, so pulled it to his head, tearing it. That’s Syrian finery for you.  “Have...

Can't afford Netflix, Disney+ or any of that other shit? You might as well get over it because there's loads of free movies on YouTube. And they're perfect if you don't care about sound or colour or editing or any of that superficial crap. And if you love the organ (like everybody does) you're sorted.  Last night I watched Nosferatu and I must say that it consolidated my 2023 New Year's Resolution to go to the opticians. There's a lot of reading involved. And it came out in 1922 which was 35 years and a world war before the invention of Helvetica so expect an eclectic mix of serifs, swashes and cursive to torment your pupils with. They also change the font up regularly, so when you get used to reading one style they pull the rug out from under you. This keeps you alert.  "Nosferatu is more relevant now than ever!"                                         ...

I'm 30 years old. My 20s couldn't have ended more recently but it's happened already: I'm an old fart. I can't blame BeReal: the herald of this revelation. It's just a vessel shedding light on one of life's inevitable truths. It's something I always believed would happen. But maybe not to me? Such a smug, naive delusion this was. I'm embarrassed I ever believed it.  The signs were there of course. "Rick 'n' Morty is so original and funny." Ok.  " You have you heard the new Billy Eilish? it's iconic." Holy fuckin' hell. Ok whatever floats your boat kid. "Oh fuck! I'm being cyberbullied!" Oh no. Sorry I didn't mean for that to sound that sarcastic.  Like every generation before me, I was excited about the youth. What will be their contribution to culture? How will they find new ways to stick it to the man? I was set to be stunned. And I was... ...stunned with disappointment.  I was ready to shameles...