Big Hog's Blog

So I caved and klarna'd myself a PS5. If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll know I've spent countless (at least 50) hours trying to scare myself shitless on Silent Hill, so when I saw there was a remake of the best one receiving more praise than any other entry in Konami's cursed franchise, I go-go-gadgeted my nostalgia gland and told my brother to buy it for me for Christmas to help ease-via-compounding my seasonal depression (my mind works strangely when at all). I just got up to Brookhaven Hospital and, so far, the game is a slam dunk, at least for me. It's like they knew exactly what made Silent Hill 2 work (unlike some recent remakes I could mention).  The soundtrack? All there, only expanded and reinterpreted in parts to correspond with a more expanded world. All pitch perfect, even the new tracks. I don't think a Silent Hill game can really work without Akira Yamaoka. He's clearly the fuckin' man. Good job Yamaoka-san.  The atm...

Every year at 11am on the 11th of November across the Commonwealth, a two-minute silence is held to commemorate the Great War to remember all those who died in conflict. People who find themselves caught in this solemn flash mob of micro-grief will attest to its gravity - the silence pregnant with the memories of lives violently torn apart and cut short.  It creates a moment worthy of their heroism and sacrifice. When the silence finally breaks it evokes perseverance: that dawn will come and life will carry on. The power of these minutes are why it's used to honour victims of tragedies and endures as a staple of school assemblies and sporting events.  Recently, I've been sinking all my free time into Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. I also played Remake in 2020 and Crisis Core in 2007. I love these reinterpretations of what is probably my favourite game. I love the themes from the OG they expand on, and I think Square for the most part got it right in how they further characterise...

 'Zeppelin' is a word spelled how it sounds and I still struggle to spell it.  Regardless, here are Led Zeppelin's top 3 lyrics.  "I'VE REALLY BEEN THE BEST...  ...THE BEST OF FOOLS." This lyric is from Since I've been loving you.  This is what flim-flam artists and comedy geniuses call a ' bait and switch'. Our man (probably Robert Plant) lures you in with a moment of self affirmation, before hitting you with the best of fools.  Thus making a fool of the listener. The lyric work on multiple levels. Or 2 levels at the very least. BONUS THING TO TRY: Sing 'best of fools' in the tune of 'best of you by Foo Fighters' and you've got yourself a real mega mashup of 2 well-known rock songs.  "WE'RE GONNA GO. WALKIN' THROUGH THE PARK. EVERYDAY." This lyric is from Babe I'm gonna leave you.  The strength of this line is in its specificity, further consolidated by the fact that I used to walk through a park every day...

Rap metal exists. It exists as much now as it existed when it first started to exist.  Tallah first found me during the pandemic. I was deep into the 6ix9ine lore and he'd just put out that song about being back - and just how back he was from jail after grassing on every person he'd ever met plus Cardi B.               Shrewd viralists Tallah picked up the song and refashioned it into a nuts-to-butts nu-metal banger which quested its way on to my timeline and entered my eyes and ears and I thought it sounded cool. I powered up the Spotify and got listening. It turns out 6ix9ine is a good blueprint for Tallah. Trying different styles, features and stunts to gain a some notoriety. A band made from YouTuber Justin Bonitz, someone savvy with the algorithms, clickbait and Patreon (check out our EP of Alladin covers?) and the son of legendary Dream Theatre drummer Mike Portnoy. They've also fired a  bloke  for being dodgy. And pu...

'What's that?'  'Nothing'.  But it wasn't nothing.  It had been a few weeks since a mysterious vortex appeared in my locker at work, and I was still trying to hide it while I figured our my next steps. What are you supposed to do when a vortex appears in your work locker? Tell work? That wouldn't work. They'd just contact the locker company. And I work for the locker company. So that won't work. They'd just contact me.  It wasn't a fire, so the fire brigade's out. What other kinds of brigades are there? An army brigade? There's no need to escalate this to the military. I've heard they're stretched anyway. And I can't call the police because I'm not a snitch.  It's hard to keep a mysterious vortex secret. Especially inside your locker in a busy office. I'm a pretty big enchilada at the locker company. People come to me with important questions containing long words like 'ineffectual', 'substandard...

Here's a scenario: Little Red Riding Hood encounters Eddie the Head from the Iron Maiden album covers. Eddie goes in for a kick. Though he's several meters away, his leg impossibly extends in Hood's direction, morphing into a chainsaw blade, roaring straight for her head, when she produces an uzi from her picnic basket and blows Eddie away.  Here's another scenario:  A cursed, but empty suit of samurai armour is hacking away at Dracula. He ducks and weaves out the way before grabbing the suit of armour and uses his powers to force the armour into material form: a beautiful woman, wearing nothing but a yukata. He bites down on her neck after transforming into a demonic entity. These scenarios are from the game Darkstalkers. The greatest fighter Capcom ever put out.  We shall never see it's like again.  (the editor) Dan

2022 is drawing to a well deserved close.  A lot of horror unfolded on our TVs this year. After two years of Pestilence, we finally got round to War. The year also gifted us with a very respectable helping of manageably fictional peril as well tho.  Here are some of the good and so-bad-it's-good movies to enjoy before we all tuck into Famine and Death. They're pretty much all horror because that's all I watch.  In no particular order.                                                                                                 THESE WERE GREAT      X A cast of horny a-listers head to a cabin in the woods for a bit of sexually-charged horror fare. Cool setting, but the pa...

In recent weeks, I've been up to my eyebags in flash fiction. I wrote another one that got rejected.  But another one I wrote after that was ok.  The one that was rejected, was rejected because it featured penis too heavily (a bit like Birth of the Holy). Anyway I tried a new one, and made the creative compromise of not featuring any dick and it turned out ok. So I guess the lesson is to give feedback a chance and sometimes working within creative limits can produce serviceable work.  You might not realise this (especially from reading this blog) but I'm a professional writer.  In a way, I'm in the privileged position of being paid to write these stories, so I should be open to feedback. Even if it means having to write something that (if you've read this blog before) doesn't feature my favoured motifs of cock and DMX.  Anyway, that acceptable story is one for another time.  Here's the one that got rejected: Our date is going well. She looks at me and we lo...

     Foreword . Recently I've been trying to do 'flash fiction'. I don't really know what flash fiction is. But it seems they're meant to be short, evocative and concise stories.      I clearly didn't get this with the following attempt. Nevertheless I enjoyed the attempt enough to stick on what's regarded by a healthy few as the best blog that still exists. Anyway:  The Birth of the Holy Holy Emperor Pope John XII sat in the Apostolic Palace draped in 960s ecclesiastical leisurewear, awaiting his delivery. His Bishops had left for the lupanar and his holy court was left empty for the afternoon so he could oversee Cardinal Octavius as he assembled his new purchase.  The pontiff had started to pick at a syphilitic ulcer when the cardinal spilled through the papal curtains, dropping wood which bonked off the floor. The Holy See did not enjoy being seen without his mitre, so pulled it to his head, tearing it. That’s Syrian finery for you.  “Have...

Can't afford Netflix, Disney+ or any of that other shit? You might as well get over it because there's loads of free movies on YouTube. And they're perfect if you don't care about sound or colour or editing or any of that superficial crap. And if you love the organ (like everybody does) you're sorted.  Last night I watched Nosferatu and I must say that it consolidated my 2023 New Year's Resolution to go to the opticians. There's a lot of reading involved. And it came out in 1922 which was 35 years and a world war before the invention of Helvetica so expect an eclectic mix of serifs, swashes and cursive to torment your pupils with. They also change the font up regularly, so when you get used to reading one style they pull the rug out from under you. This keeps you alert.  "Nosferatu is more relevant now than ever!"                                         ...

I'm 30 years old. My 20s couldn't have ended more recently but it's happened already: I'm an old fart. I can't blame BeReal: the herald of this revelation. It's just a vessel shedding light on one of life's inevitable truths. It's something I always believed would happen. But maybe not to me? Such a smug, naive delusion this was. I'm embarrassed I ever believed it.  The signs were there of course. "Rick 'n' Morty is so original and funny." Ok.  " You have you heard the new Billy Eilish? it's iconic." Holy fuckin' hell. Ok whatever floats your boat kid. "Oh fuck! I'm being cyberbullied!" Oh no. Sorry I didn't mean for that to sound that sarcastic.  Like every generation before me, I was excited about the youth. What will be their contribution to culture? How will they find new ways to stick it to the man? I was set to be stunned. And I was... ...stunned with disappointment.  I was ready to shameles...

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is good for one obvious reason: Nicholas Cage. Do you like Nicholas Cage? is a polarising question, with some think he's a hammy Hollywood hack who owes his career to nepotism and others that Cage one is of a few performance artists trying to elevate the art, seeing every role as an opportunity to do something fresh and memorable. But if you love Cage, you'll likely enjoy The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.  Unlike the D-grade buddy-crime film that flounders around him, Cage mesmerises in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. 'How hard can it be to play yourself?' is one of the many interesting questions the movie poses. Non-acting celebrities are made to do this regularly in cameo appearances, like Ed Sheeran, Paris Hilton, Simon Cowell etc. apart from a few hilarious exception s , most people do a serviceable job of playing themselves in front of a camera, from Dave Grohl to Michael Jordan. But this movie made me think o...

 Al Bowlly is the man who sings the song at the end of the Shining ( Midnight the Stars and You ).  Born at the turn of the 20th century, Bowlly had a lovely voice and also a lovely face (see below).  So I personally recommend the magic of Al Bowlly, however, if that crusty old music isn't for you I still recommend his Wikipedia page .  Man had a 'series of odd jobs in South Africa, including barber and jockey.' And that's just the first line! What a life that must've been. Jockeying as a side hustle to fund your music career. I had a job washing dishes at in a hotel to fund my attempt to enter the world of marketing. I'm hoping for Aaron Paul to play me in the movie but we'll see.  He also  shredded on guitar too because of course he did. I wont spoil the wiki for you but it sure has a wild ending.  That's it! (the editor) Dan.

This is a haiku What does your COVID vaccine  say about you?... dude:  AstraZeneca - You’re a sensual risk taker. You’re over 30 and lovin’ it #wotclot.   Pfizer - You’re too cool for easy transportation and get pretty faded, pretty quickly. You call all your anti-vax haters ‘Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer’. Johnson & Johnson - One dose of you is more than enough.    Novavax - Good with new people and particularly popular in the UK for less than obvious reasons (like Nando’s).    Moderna - Like Pfizer but you have a funnier name. You also like pregnant women. You love hijinks and hate goodbyes.    Sinovac - You make a bad first impression, but your second impression is nearly ok.    Sputnik V - You’re a true underdog. Everybody scoffs and laughs at you at the beginning but you soon prove them wrong. You’ve got nothing to do with space though, and this surprises people. (the editor) Dan.

Unless you were living under a Dwayne Johnson last year, you will have heard of the sad passing of one of Western Civilisation’s most beloved icons: DMX. DMX was born Earl Simmons on the 18th of December in 1970. The ‘D’ stood for ‘Dark’, the ‘M’ stood for ‘Man’ and the ‘X’ didn’t stand for anything. It was just ‘X’. A teacher, X would show the world how to ‘stop, drop, shut ‘em down, open up shop.’ A generous man, X’s inclination was always to ‘give it to ya’, but in the end he had no more of ‘it’ to give. He is survived by his 15 children. (the editor) Dan.   

doin' puzzles and gettin' scared      This is full of spoilers Just finished playing 'Silent Hill 4: The Room' and it's here I stop with the Silent Hill series. If you're reading this (and not somebody I'm forcing my blog on) you're probably a Silent Hill fan and already know these first four games are the ones developed by the illustrious ( though at times apparently dubious ) Team Silent.  After '4' the Team Silent dissolved. And with them so too does my interest in SH games produced thereafter. There are too many other games out there and only so many years a man can live and so many hours he can justify devoting to video games, love them though a man might. I simply and desperately don't want to play Homecoming, Book of Memories or the one with the frosty cover. Because by all accounts and my own personal fleeting impressions, they look shite. And no. I didn't play P.T. It is with great distress the whole thing passed me by before I g...